Grad School

So It has been a while since i wrote on here. A few things have happened. First and most exciting....I got into Grad School and not just grad school but the advanced staning grad school which means only one year left and im done!!! I am totally excited. Steve sent me beautiful flowers to congratulate me and that was pretty sweet. Last week was spring break week so i got to spend a lot of time with Brittany, Mike and the two adorable boys. It was alot of fun!! I went to the doctors finally and im now on meds that will hopefully help me with everything. It will take like 4 to 6 weeks to kick in tho. Steve is doing alright but i worry about him all the time. Hes not sleeping good and he just seems distant at times. Its now down to 193 days till he comes home and i can not wait at all. I feel like im so busy all the time that i cant sit down to just breath. And at night im so tired but no matter what i do i cant fall asleep. I have sleeping pills but i can only take them if i have 8 hours to sleep so they will only help sometimes. Well i think im gonna go try to sleep again.

Terrified

Ok so I found out today that a soldier in Steve's brigade was killed the other day. He was shot off base. The man was only 32 years old and left a wife and three children. These men have only been there for a month and one has already been killed. I am terrified that something will happen to Steve. I pray each day that I dont have 2 men in uniform at my door to give me bad news. I dont know what im going to do if something happens to him. He is my life. Hes not doing too well at all. He's not sleeping well and he has bad dreams. This mans death has us both freaked out. His deployment is almost half way done and I just want it to be over so bad. I want him home so bad. I miss him and I need him. Why cant everything just be over and this war be over. I hate this whole thing. I am so scared and I dont know what to do.

Friday Nite

Ok so friday night i am sitting at home doing school work and its about 9pm. Theres two apts under me that are loud with partys so im trying to ignore them so i can get some work done. well all of the sudden i hear two guys yelling at each other screaming. the one guy was yelling that he was gona kill the other one so the other guy said to him "slit my throat". Needless to say i called my dad cuz i was scared. And finally decided to pack my bags and go to my parents where i would be safe. I called my landlord and he failed to call me back. So the next two nights were hard for me to fall asleep. I was scared for my life. I talked to the landlord today about it tho. He had already spoken with the tenant. I guess what happened is the tennants friend showed up drunk and he wouldnt let him in so his friend was knocking on the other two doors down stairs with his pants down. Apt. b just ignored him but loked through his peep hole to see what was going on. Then in apt c. the girl answered and the guy then told her he should rape her. so the tenant in apt b came out and fliped out on the guy and finnaly the new tenant in apt a came out too and told his friend to leave. It was loud and crazy and scarey. Im probably confused everyone with this post. Needless to say my landlord said hes going to kick the guy out so it will be peaceful again and i wont be scared once that happens. Unfortunitly hes still there for tonight and for however much longer so i have to still deal with it all. I hate being alone. It seams like i never have enough stress cuz i keep getting more and more and more. I feel like i am going to freak out or something. Im getting emotional all the time and sooner or later i am going to have a melt down. I have no idea what to do. I have no time for anything... not even to go see a doctor. I work 6 days a week and have class on the seventh day and in between all of that i have so much school work its crazy. I am tired all the time, im sick with allergies, my eyes have been bloodshot for days. I really am losing it. And its not a good time to lose it. Ben is leaving on the 25th for his mission and thats more stress. So i guess im totally going crazy with this post now. Sorry, i am just writing out my fustrations. When will i get a break though? When is it my turn to breath? When can i take care of myself? I spend 6 days a week doing things for other people. But i have NO time to take care of myself. Man i really need a vacation?? Only like 3 months till graduation then i can breath... if i make it to three months before i freakout.

25 random facts about myself

1. I married my high school sweetheart and my soul mate
2. I have the greatest family anyone could ask for and nothing could change that
3. I feel like i really dont have any friends
4. My life has always been full of depression... I just hide it well
5. I am mad at God for taking my Brother from me
6. I hate the way i look and which i could change a lot of physical things about me
7. I am not patient
8. I love to clean when i am stressed out...it helps relax me
9. I did aweful in highschool, but now in college i am doing very well... its the one thing i am proud of
10. I am afraid of being alone
11. I am afraid of clowns...dont know why i just am
12. My mom is my hero
13. My husband is in Iraq and I miss him so much
14. I have wonderful nephews and nieces
15. I can not wait to have a child of my own
16. I hate school and i can not wait to graduate from the masters program
17. I love to golf... i just started learning
18. I miss photography... i used to love taking photos
19. I feel like every time things start to go right....something bad happens
20. I wish i would get more motivated to exercise
21. I am going to miss my brother Ben when he goes on his mission
22. I love spring and summer
23. Pink is my favorite color
24. I feel like everything is falling apart
25. I fear that one day Im gonna have 2 soldiers at my door giving me the worst news of my life

Steve Update

Steve called me a few days ago. He has been sick with some stomach flu or something. He was throwing up for days and hadnt eaten for a couple of days. So he was on an iv for fluids. He says hes doing much better now though, but hes still not up to his usual self. Hopefully the bug will go away soon. I wish i could take care of him like i always do when hes sick. Mostly that just consists of watching movies with him and makin him take medications lol. He sounded alright though. Its hard without him and i am finnaly starting to realize the impact it really is having on me. So tomorrow i am going to make an appointment for the doctors to get on some anti-depressents. Hopfully that will help me sleep at night and not sleep all day. I dont know how i am going to make it through the next 234 days. I wish time would just go by faster. Its hard without Steve here. He is my life and i miss being able to spend time with him and tell him stories about my day. He is the rock in my life. Me and him and been through a lot over the years. Without him in my life, i dont know how i would have gotten through Brians death. Just knowing that Steve was there for me was enough to keep me strong. He is truly my soulmate and i have no doubt about that. I am happy that he is my husband. He has made me so happy over the past five year. I pray for him everyday and hope he is safe. I can not wait untill he comes home...then i will really be happy again.

Internship

So yesterday was my first day at my internship. It was an awful day for me. I literally did nothing all day and my supervisor did not guide me at all. In fact i hardly saw her. So today i decided that i was going to take matters in my own hand. I went around and asked anyone for anything to do. I ended up making phone calls, going to court hearings and babysitting three little munchkins. I was busy all day and I had so much fun. I cant what to see what tomorrow will bring.

News one Steve: Steve is doing really well for the most part. He has alot of down time which doesnt help. Hes going overseas on the 17th. He misses everyone very much and can not wait to come back home. I pray that he stays safe and that time will fly by. This military stuff gets old quick. I just want him back home. I have good days and bad days... and lately its been more bad than good. I only hope that it will get better.

Alone Again

Its been a while since i wrote on here. Steve came home and tried to surprise me. He told me he was being released for leave on the 23rd of dec when really it was the 22nd. His mom and grandmother went to get him and bring him back. I knew about the surprise but i didnt tell him until he was home. Anyways, my time with him was awesome and amazing. We spent ever second together. It was amazing. Last friday i had to bring him back to NJ. It was a really hard day for me. I really wish that he did not have to go back. Its been really hard. Theres a famil day on saturday but Steve doesnt want anyone to come up because its too hard and i understand completely. I just pray that the next nine months go by fast because the last three were really hard on me. I talk to him everyday and he is doing very well. He misses everyone very much and cant wait to get home.

School starts up on monday...and then my internship starts on tuesday. I am so excited and nervous. I wish Steve was here to help me with everything and just to be here for support. Oh and really good news.... Shannon is having her baby any day now so i am so excited!! Well i just wanted to get everyone up to date